If you’re going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill
There is something quite empowering about the clarity in thinking like this; in saying, just do it - keep going.
It’s a mindset that is getting me through this hell called living.
When I say something as depressing as that, I don’t mean it in the way it sounds. Living is made up of all sorts of beautiful people and sounds and colours.
But, in the most literal sense of the word living, it really is quite hellish.
In terms of having a chronic illness, how much easier is it to die than live? So much easier.
Life is not a convenience.. something that keeps going unless interrupted. Everyday I make the decision, multiple times, to keep living.
At the same time, I make a thousand little desicions… most subconcious, that destroy my life.. cut it short and degrade its quality.
There’s this paradox of power at work in my mind.
I feel the weight of responsibility over my own health in the power I have to help myself and medicate myself and do all the right things. Sometimes that makes me feel good - like I can change things, like there is hope. Sometimes it overwhelms me.
Simultaneously, is this crippling feeling of being utterly powerless- way out of reach of redemption, my life dictated by some external sadistic voice…. tossed and turned with the breeze or tide. I feel like a feeble weed uprooted from the bed of the ocean.
Its doing my head in.
So I say to myself, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.. what do we do? We swim.swim.swim.
Churchill and Dory - thanks guys.
